Bigly Yuge: New US Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett will deliver judgments in tongues

Donald Trump watches Justice Clarence Thomas administer the oath of office to Amy Coney Barrett. AP

Freshly confirmed US Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett’s office has put out a statement asserting that Justice Barrett will deliver “judgments, opinions and dissents” in “tongues”.

The release notes that this would set a long overdue precedent from the highest court. The language of tongues has been only sparingly employed thus far in the US court system.

Some examples of its earlier use can be found here.

Judges in this subtitled clip (use fast forward) can be heard adjudicating on matters such as farm ownership, intestinal disorders and church donations.

The liberal press initially objected vehemently, but conceded that freedom of expression, even for a judge was sacrosanct. The New York Times announced a job opening for a reporter with legal experience in tongue; the Jeff Bezos owned Washington Post said it would use resources that have just been allocated to the vertical AmazonPrimeTongue.

Barrett’s office further said that the move had less to with the justice’s religious preferences than with the fact that the liberal media did not understand English. “It was disappointing to see the media characterise Justice Barrett’s responses as vague and evasive.” 

“This is to prevent a future misunderstandings”, the statement said.

The US Supreme Court says it is in the process of hiring professionals to transcribe Justice Barrett’s remarks and opinions. It has also encouraged counsel who may appear before Barrett to learn Tongue, a challenging language for the lack of a script.

This is a work of satire

The writer is a journalist and author of Aarushi, an account of the murder investigation and ensuing trial